Love on Trial
by XxMiseryLovesMexX
Summary: What happens when your love isn't enough? When the person you would give everything to, doesn't care? Nikita is forced to defend her love to Michael, but eventually concedes defeat. Mikita, in a way. ONESHOT


Hey guys!

I wasn't sure I wanted to publish this story, but seeing as how I can't think of anything more to add to it, I guess I just had to.

This takes place sometime after the stuff with Kasim, but before they get together for real.

Hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Nikita.

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><p>"How can you tell me you love me, when only three years ago, you were planning to run away with the other half of your soul?" Michael asked her sarcastically, his eyes hard, showing he wasn't backing down on this.<p>

"Michael-" Nikita immediately stepped back, instinctively wrapping her arms around herself in defense for the pain that was going to come. Her eyes pleaded with him, like she had done once before with her voice, when he had made her put her life on the line for his revenge, but she knew it wouldn't work. As always, Michael was stronger than that; stronger than her. She shook her head in denial, but he only stepped forward for every step back she took and repeated, "Tell me how that works."

She wanted to scream at him, to lash out and hurt him as much as he was hurting her. This wasn't fair! She wasn't the only one who had a past, he did, too! Why did her past have to haunt her, when his was always there, a solid, almost tangible wall between the two of them. But she never pushed him, she never judged him or questioned him. Why couldn't he do the same? Why did he have to push her? and Why couldn't she counter him like she did everyone else? Love made her weak, and she hated herself for it, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't stop loving him if she tried, and she had tried so hard. With Daniel, with leaving Division, with consuming herself with the need to right past wrongs, but it hadn't worked.

"Why do I always need to prove myself to you?" She whispered softly, her voice sounding weak and helpless to her own ears. Michael flinched, but still refused to back down.

"Tell me, Nikita." He was like that. Once he got something in his head, he went after it. No giving up, no leaving until the job was done. She'd admired that trait in him more than once, but now she wanted to hate him for it. It was going to be the death of them, because she realized now, after all these years, that he wasn't going to trust her. He might love her, but that was mostly lust without the trust, and it wasn't enough. Because as much as she wanted his love, no matter how grudgingly given, she couldn't stand it if he never stopped questioning her motives, her love for him. She wouldn't be able to survive off of crumbs given in between bouts of suspicion and anger. She just wasn't that type of person. She was supposed to be stronger than that.

So she'd give him his answer, and she'd leave, once and for all, Nikita decided. No more trying to save him from Percy, trying to get him on her side. No more interactions with him, period. She'd find a way to break Division without involving him. No more secretly hoping to meet him on an op, no more putting her life on the line for his. She'd dealt with Kasim for him, and that was repayment enough for all he'd done for her while she was in Division. They were through.

Her eyes hardened, even though they were shiny with unshed tears, and she straightened her stance, unfolding her arms and putting them straight to her sides to show no fear. She took a breath, and prepared to dredge up old hurts by telling it like it was a report, even if it killed her to be so detached.

"I started out telling myself it was part of my cover. I told Amanda that, and I meant it, the first couple times. I met Daniel on accident, he was insistent on hanging out, so I agreed. It was enjoyable, but nothing more than friendship with an outsider. Then, you both kept telling me that I needed to live the lie until it became the truth. 'It's understandable that you would want human companionship, Nikita. Just make sure it doesn't become something more.' 'You need to establish a cover, Nikita, and it has to be real. Live the lie until the lie is the truth.'" Nikita mimicked first Amanda then Michael's advice, doing a credible job of their voices and attitudes. Michael's lips twitched a bit, but they quickly settled back into his perpetual scowl. Nikita continued, causing his scowl to deepen.

"You will recall that my extended cover was on your recommendation after our near miss. Well, Daniel was a nice guy, and he made me think of things I'd never thought of before. Of family. I thought, 'Why can't I have a family?' Would it have been so impossible for someone like me to settle down, and enjoy a life never having to kill anymore?

"So I slept with him. Then I made everything real to me, including what I felt for Daniel. And yes, I had to have felt something for him before, to be able to make myself love him like I did. I only did what you taught me. It might have backfired, but I started out following orders. I had a life I loved, one without Division in it, with a man who made me happy.

"Daniel wasn't you, Michael, but he was normal. He had no baggage, and when he told me he loved me, I knew he meant it with his whole being. Can you believe that? He knew next to nothing about me, and what he did know, he knew wasn't really the entire truth, yet he could honestly tell me he loved me and mean it! No one had ever loved me unconditionally and so totally before, so yeah, I did love Daniel for that." Nikita looked up at Michael defiantly, but he didn't say anything, so she continued.

"Everything was perfect. I had a new life, with Daniel, and I rarely had to do anything for Division, until that mission. The one as Josephine. You knew then, didn't you? Percy had shown you the surveillance of Daniel and I, in _his _house. And wanted you to do something about it, right?" Michael still said nothing, but the way his eyes blinked rapidly told her everything; she knew his tells well. She looked away from him again.

"Did Percy tell you I couldn't sleep with him for over a month after? From the guilt over cheating on him, and the dirtiness I felt, yes, but also because I'd seen you again. Daniel knew something was wrong. He..." she hiccuped a bit there, but forced herself to continue. "he was so sweet and understanding, even though he didn't know what was going on. He wanted to know if it was something he did. How the hell was I supposed to tell him that I was in love with you, when I was supposed to love the guy who loved me? I was confused. My lives had mixed together, when they weren't supposed to. I'd been planning to run away with him, because he was willing, and I needed to leave everything behind. But then, after that op, I didn't know what to do. I loved you, but you weren't. . . I loved Daniel, because he was everything you weren't and he was offering me everything. So tell me what was I supposed to do, Michael? I thought that if I ran away with Daniel, I could be happy. I could forget about you, and love this man who loved me for me. I could start a family with him, and I could be normal." She railed at him, no longer able to keep herself apart from what she was saying.

"Will it help to tell you that sometimes, I'm happy I never had to make a real choice? I didn't have make that irrevocable choice between you and Daniel, because Daniel was killed before I had to. Does that make me the heartless, backstabbing bitch you think I am?" Nikita turned away from Michael, and stumbled over to a chair, tears sliding fast down her pale cheeks. Why was she always so damn vulnerable around him? Why couldn't loving him be easy?

Lost in her misery, Nikita didn't notice Michael move towards her until he touched her cold cheek softly with his hand, brushing away some of the tears. She flinched at the unexpected contact, but didn't jerk away. Still, he doesn't speak. Nikita understands it's because they have nothing more to say to each other. They've gone over the past, more times than either of them wanted to, and now, there's really nothing left. They've never had more than Division in common, and now that they're enemies on that ground, there's nothing left to save. There's nothing worth fighting for. She allows herself to lean into his hand briefly, imagining it to be a lover's caress, then she forces herself to move away.

"Our kind of love was never meant to last, Michael," she begins softly, her heart breaking with every word she utters, knowing that she's this much closer to the end. "It's the kind of love you only read about in books; the destroying, all-consuming type of love that eventually causes more damage than it's worth. We were never meant to be, and we will never be. And I've finally accepted that. You always said I was a quick learner. Well, this one took a while, but I've learned my lesson now.

"I'm done, Michael. We want different things in life: I'm never going to stop trying to bring down Division, and you'll never choose me over Division. The next time we meet, only one of us will walk away, and that's the truth." With that, Nikita turned and walked stiffly to the door, hoping that he would stop her; hoping that he would, for once, choose her. But she knew better. He just wasn't that kind of person. His pride ruled everything, and she was a blow to his pride. No matter how much he wanted her, he would never choose her. And she was right.


End file.
